So long 2009.

So, it's time to say Good-bye. So Long. See Ya!!

I have to say I have never been so happy to see a year end. This has to have been the most painful year I have ever lived through. The pain has lead to anger and resentment. It has been the most insightful as well. Unfortunately, the insight has lead to things I don't want see or accept.

BUT...

... accept I must. See I must.

With that said, I say, okay. Okay -- let's start fresh. I will begin the long road of living a new life. Of starting over. Of building up my damaged heart. Of working on forgiveness. Living for me. Living for happiness. Living for freedom.

Today, I have to say that I do not completely believe all this that I say. It is very hard to swallow the truth and have faith that I will be able to succeed at these things. BUT I do know there is such a thing as hope. I have known this thing called Hope before. Maybe I will again.

Maybe I expect a miracle at the strike of midnight. A magic wand of sort. The magic of a new year. 2010 to the rescue.

So, I know it doesn't work like that, but a girl can dream can't she?

Learn to Say Goodbye

Your heart is not open so I must go
The spell has be broken…I loved you so
Freedom comes when you learn to let go
Creation comes when you learn to say no

You were my lesson I had to learn
I was your fortress you had to burn

Pain is a warning that something’s wrong
I pray to God that it won’t be long

There’s nothing left to try
There’s no place left to hide
There’s no greater power
Than the power of goodbye

Learn to say goodbye I yearn to say goodbye.

Written by Madonna and Rick Nowels

Frozen

I feel frozen. Barely wanting to even move at times.

Why am I so afraid of decisions?

Why does, at times, this fear even takes over physically?

When I am like this the stillness is almost draining, as if I am being restrained in doom of moving.

I don't experience this all the time, but damn, when I do it really sucks.

So I sit and breathe until it passes.

Time Catching Up

Last night I spent 3 hours sitting and catching up with a dear friend. We met for coffee before a movie and ended up sitting chatting until we realized we missed the start of the movie. I simply love that. We don't see each other enough, but when we do, if it wasn't for the "...and then this happened... or ...I did this... or I've been..." statements that cover a large period of the past calendar, you would never know we weren't around each other all the time. We laughed deeply. We cried tenderly. We relate on a level that only truly honest people can do.

What an amazing life I have been blessed with to have such true friendships!

Wow - I am lucky.

SILENCE!!!!

AHH!!

A decision.

I made a decision today. WOW! How simple is that. A simple decision.

Now - the action, or should I say the follow through, that is where the decision shows it's worth. Funny how my decision involves non-action, or the action of restraint. Boy, trying not to doing something is hard!!!! But from this, I can give myself a chance to breath! To be happy for a day!

YEAH for decisions!

Make it Stop!

I want off this rollercoaster! Why is it that my life has to be an emotional rollercoaster? I have tasted serenity at times and it was good. That's all I want in life. Simple. Serene. Loved. Happy.

My life is in a very dark hour. No, it's not horrible. No, it's not at the end. BUT damn I would like to be at peace.

This rollercoaster is painful. Just when I think it is coming to an end or even just a lull in action, I am suddenly swung in rapid stream of peaks and valley, loops and corkscrews.

How long does this take? Why can't I just make the decision to get off?