So long 2009.

So, it's time to say Good-bye. So Long. See Ya!!

I have to say I have never been so happy to see a year end. This has to have been the most painful year I have ever lived through. The pain has lead to anger and resentment. It has been the most insightful as well. Unfortunately, the insight has lead to things I don't want see or accept.

BUT...

... accept I must. See I must.

With that said, I say, okay. Okay -- let's start fresh. I will begin the long road of living a new life. Of starting over. Of building up my damaged heart. Of working on forgiveness. Living for me. Living for happiness. Living for freedom.

Today, I have to say that I do not completely believe all this that I say. It is very hard to swallow the truth and have faith that I will be able to succeed at these things. BUT I do know there is such a thing as hope. I have known this thing called Hope before. Maybe I will again.

Maybe I expect a miracle at the strike of midnight. A magic wand of sort. The magic of a new year. 2010 to the rescue.

So, I know it doesn't work like that, but a girl can dream can't she?

Learn to Say Goodbye

Your heart is not open so I must go
The spell has be broken…I loved you so
Freedom comes when you learn to let go
Creation comes when you learn to say no

You were my lesson I had to learn
I was your fortress you had to burn

Pain is a warning that something’s wrong
I pray to God that it won’t be long

There’s nothing left to try
There’s no place left to hide
There’s no greater power
Than the power of goodbye

Learn to say goodbye I yearn to say goodbye.

Written by Madonna and Rick Nowels

Frozen

I feel frozen. Barely wanting to even move at times.

Why am I so afraid of decisions?

Why does, at times, this fear even takes over physically?

When I am like this the stillness is almost draining, as if I am being restrained in doom of moving.

I don't experience this all the time, but damn, when I do it really sucks.

So I sit and breathe until it passes.

Time Catching Up

Last night I spent 3 hours sitting and catching up with a dear friend. We met for coffee before a movie and ended up sitting chatting until we realized we missed the start of the movie. I simply love that. We don't see each other enough, but when we do, if it wasn't for the "...and then this happened... or ...I did this... or I've been..." statements that cover a large period of the past calendar, you would never know we weren't around each other all the time. We laughed deeply. We cried tenderly. We relate on a level that only truly honest people can do.

What an amazing life I have been blessed with to have such true friendships!

Wow - I am lucky.

SILENCE!!!!

AHH!!

A decision.

I made a decision today. WOW! How simple is that. A simple decision.

Now - the action, or should I say the follow through, that is where the decision shows it's worth. Funny how my decision involves non-action, or the action of restraint. Boy, trying not to doing something is hard!!!! But from this, I can give myself a chance to breath! To be happy for a day!

YEAH for decisions!

Make it Stop!

I want off this rollercoaster! Why is it that my life has to be an emotional rollercoaster? I have tasted serenity at times and it was good. That's all I want in life. Simple. Serene. Loved. Happy.

My life is in a very dark hour. No, it's not horrible. No, it's not at the end. BUT damn I would like to be at peace.

This rollercoaster is painful. Just when I think it is coming to an end or even just a lull in action, I am suddenly swung in rapid stream of peaks and valley, loops and corkscrews.

How long does this take? Why can't I just make the decision to get off?

Self Induced Boredom

This is a very ugly place to be.

The head. The commitee. The Itty Bitty Biddie Commitee is having a field trip.

For some reason I decided this week to intentially place myself in a place of perpetual laziness which has led to sheer boredom. That ugly feeling of wanting to jump out of one's skin has creeped up. That comes along with the Gotta Stir Some Shit Up Witch. (Hey, what a great halloween costume idea! -- boredom can also lead to creativity.)

Okay, this post is about NOTHING and EVERYTHING at the same time.

I am really pissed!

Pissed - Yes. Mad. Angry. Hurt. Upset.

AARrrggggghhhhhh!!!!!!

I am coming here to vent. If I don't I am afraid I may say things to someone that I am really going to regret. That is never good, so I am screaming on the Internet instead.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Does that make me feel better? No not really, but hey, if I did it in my office right now they might send someone to escort me out of the building.

Those of you that pray -- pray for me to receive the serenity to not hurt someone!

Those of you that meditate -- please send good vibes to me.

Those of you that see me -- give me a hug. Or something to punch - preferable soft in nature.

Who am I kidding. No one is even reading this!

This is for the birds!

Wow -- I have to say, this single motherhood crap is for the birds, especially when you are stuck in the house for three days with a sick little one. I need some adult interaction!!

My heart goes out to those mothers out there that truly have no help. You women (and men - if be the case) are true wonders of the world!

Looking forward to Daddy coming in town soon and taking a turn.

Today is a BIG Day!

WHEW!!

I just found out that I am getting the deplux that I wanted. I could not be more estatic, a little scared, but simply estatic. GOD is BIG!!!! I put one foot in front of the other, let go and the rest was taken care of for me.

My own place in more than 10 years. It is crazy. I am not going to know what to do.

WOW!!! WOW!!! WOW!!!

I have no idea of what this new life is going to bring me, but I know it will be okay.

Attitude Adjustment

Okay -- It's time for a little attidude adjustment. I don't think I have been looking at the glass half empty, but yet I think I have been looking at the glass half full -- the glass just happens to be wobbling on the edge of the table of life!!!! I think I am expecting the glass to go tumbling to the floor shattering in a million pieces and soaking everything in sight. UH-HUM -- that would be called FEAR.

Time to readjust. I REFUSE to have fear run my life again. It is unacceptable.

I am starting at this point, right now -- TODAY! I will take that glass and put it firmly in the middle of the table. Heck, I am going to place a towel under it, because I plan soon to have that glass so full that it just might even start to overflow!

Take that! God's got my back and am not about to give up now.

This hurts

I am heart-broken.


I am torn.


A part of my life is missing and is forever changed.


I will survive - this I believe


but will the pain ever be gone?


Will the guilt really go away?





This hurts.

July 1, 2009

Life is painful!

Life is good!

Here's to the first day of my new life.

Father's Day

Yesterday was Father's Day and I had not given it much thought as my husband was out of town. We had plans to have lunch with my Father-In-Law and family, knew there was a quick call to my dad in the plans, but other than that, we had no other "holiday" plans. This turned out to be one of the most fulfilling Father's Day ever. Lunch with Pops was a lot of fun. It's great to see him smile and I saw that a lot yesterday. Although my call to my on Father was brief, it was so wonderful to hear his voice and know that he was surrounded by family in Memphis. Sure my brother and sister's kids kept him plenty busy. Then the surprise of all surprises. My husband called with an unexpected 4 hour layover in St. Louis. Amira and I were so excited. We quickly came up with an impromptu present for him. Our fantastic neighbor shot a few adorable pictures of us and we sped to Walgreens to print off a few copies. A frame with pics of his two favorite girls to put in his hotel room, some candy and a silly card that makes noise. What more could a guy ask for? We picked him up at the airport and just hung out. It was short, but it was so much fun. I simply loved it. Sitting in Dairy Queen watching my daughter lay her head on her Dad's shoulder was the best. What an unexpected delight.

What a fantastic day!!!!

It was a joke.

Did David Letterman seriously just have to stoop to apologize to Sarah Palin? Really - really - really - it was a joke. The man was telling a joke. A joke about an adult. Just cause it happens to be the adult child of a --hum--hum-- political figure --hum, if that's what you can call her -- doesn't mean everyone needs to get their panties in a wad!!

Ramblings about Adam Lambert from an AI Junkie

Did you see the "oh so horrible" images of Adam. Seriously??!?!?! Can you smell my sarcasm?

Fantastic. That's what I say of the images. He is a very attractive guy and that picture of him at Burning Man is hotter than the dessert he is standing on. Guess what.... I am a married straight woman. I don't judge people by their personal lives, who they kiss, what they wear or how they talk. When it comes to American Idol I judge by talent and this boy has talent. He can sing, he can entertain, he's physical appearance is attractive - what else could you ask for. I am not sure I am saying I will take him to the end, more will be revealed, but for now, I say he has got it going on. The fact that onstage his persona is very ambiguous keeps me more intrigued. Look at WHAM - George Micheal - Freddie Murcury - David Bowie - Ricky Martin - Steven Tyler (in his prime) - they've all been admired by both sexes!! The mystery sometimes makes for a better performer. Even after seeing his pictures, heck I would still swoon over him if he walked in (and I am way too old to be saying that!!) the boy is amazing.

You go boy, get whatever votes you can. Little girl, Little boy, Gay, Straight, Grandma or straight up talent seekers!!!!

Are these people serious??? - It's a doll!

Have you heard the uproar over the Barbie that comes with stick on tattoos???

I am astounded by this! My 4 year old daughter and I have been so excited about getting this Barbie since the first time we saw it advertised. How cool - you can put tattoos not only on the Barbie, but it comes with ones for you as well. My husband and I both have tattoos and my daughter has a collection of fake tattoos. Hey, she wants to be like us. We are responsible members of society, lead normal lives and don't show off our bodies just to show off our tattoos. I believe for most people, tattoos are a little more personal than a way to show off their bodies. Besides, who knows if she will get older and want a tatoo or not, she is a kid and is PLAYING - it's what kids do!

Parents need to be responsible for their kids. Buy what fits your family and leave your ideals out of everyone else’s lives and the manufactures of products. Now, if it was a hatchet toting, blood splattered Barbie, I might have to think about that one. BUT A TATTOO, seriously, my 82 year old grandfather has tattoos!!!

I am inspired by Drag Queens

Yes - it's true. I have found that something about those fabulous ladies of drag inspire something deep down in me. There's this connection, love, admiration... this understanding of sorts. This high energy that is just driving.

I recently have been enthralled with the world of drag again. My past was peppered (more like doused) with several ladies that made major impressions on my life. That protected me... that supported me... that loved me. I am head over heels into RuPaul's Drag Race on LOGO! I wish I was there watching it all go down live! Maybe it's all that time I spent in the dressing rooms of Amnesia! THE DRAMA!!!!

Today, I found the blog of a long lost friend, Star Queen. I had such a ball seeing what was going on in her world that I felt inspired to work on my own blog.

My blog?!?!?.... Exciting and New, true, but I am sure not as intriguing as the world of a drag queen. I am a mom, a wife and a career woman, living a gratifyingly beautiful drama free life. None-the-less maybe I will find something to write about on here. We will see.

No mater what - I am taking the inspiration and running with it. In heels no less!!!

I'm don't know.

Why a blog? I don't know.

What am I going to say? I don't know.

Do you know? I don't know.